THE ROYCROFT REPORT

August 23, 2012 – Ok, this should technically be a Friday Rant but I just couldn’t wait another day for this one.

Today, as with every other day, I checked to see if I had any new Facebook notifications. I did, and today as with every other day I scrolled through seemingly endless parade of typical bullshit, i.e, advertisements for Walmart, Arbys, Chic-Fil-A, Dominos, etc.

Then the list of  shared stupid photos and recommended crap of every variety imaginable. How about that age test thing? Hey, I know how freakin old I am, but you on the other hand are still living your adult life through your stupid 10 year old kid so stop sending me those stupid damn age tests.

I don’t care how successful or miserable you are or how much money you make or wish you were making. I don’t care that you seem to be having a warped love affair with your car and feel the constant need to post photographs of every angle as if it were some sex goddess…it is not, it’s just a damn car!

I also do not care one bit about sharing  for a chance to WIN that precious pink corduroy and white polka dot toni featuring lime green ball trim. I don’t give a rats ass about  that a guy in a gorilla costume or Play the Mirror Mirror game now to see if I can find him. And I really didn’t need to see those sparkly pink glittery fake fingernails you so proudly posted on Pintrest and found it necessary to share with me on Facebook. You apparently meant to share that with that married candy ass who proudly boasts about painting his damned toe nails. I am NOT that guy!

Your non stop self portrait photos are not getting any prettier, but I must tell you here and now, the acne is getting much worse. I don’t play Farm House or any other games so stop inviting me there. I don’t care if it’s your damn birthday so stop reminding me. I’m not buying you a present.

I think we can all agree that yes, you really did screw your life up when you committed adultery with your wife’s daughter. I don’t care that you and your spouse are sleeping around on each other while you screw your kids lives up and blame each other and share it all with everyone on Facebook to read about.

And last, but unfortunately not least, everyone is lying to your face. We all (behind your back) think your baby is butt ass ugly so stop sharing it’s photo with us!

There, blood pressure down, I feel much better now.

Oh, wait…My wife just called me a hypocrite. -JRoycroft